It's a roller coaster ...

"I love you. I hate you. Marry me."

A guide to the emotional life of preschoolers.

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Helping four and five-year-olds figure out how they feel, and how to express those feelings appropriately.

Let's see if this sounds familiar.

Your child is playing with a friend, and all of a sudden, you hear "I hate you!" "You're not my friend anymore" "I never want to play with you again", or (the extremely popular and powerful) "I am not going to invite you to my birthday party!"

This fight is a dramatization. The children wanted everyone to know that they are just pretending.

Ten minutes later, they are best friends again.

What exactly is going on here?

Developmentally, a four and a half year old is very much in a "good vs. evil" mentality. We see this all over, their love for the fantastical good vs. evil of folk and fairy tales and the very real good vs. evil we hear about in worship. It is easy to think of characters as either a "good guy" or "a bad guy", which is part of what attracts them to this dramatic language of love and hate.

Additionally, young children have emotional reactions and don’t always have the vocabulary to accompany those emotions.  If you are upset by something it is easy to say, “I hate you” and harder to say, “You just upset me when you ..." In fact, they may not even know why they are upset. We work with them constantly to help them articulate what is really going on so that they learn to solve problems and communicate effectively with one another. More on this later ...

Let’s start with a simple scenario:

Jake and Ali are drawing together. They both reach for the purple maker. Jake picks it up first. Ali says, "I hate you, Jake!"

Here is an idea for how you might respond to Ali, 

and how we might typically respond at school:

(It's a three-parter)

Step 1. Say "Tell me what just happened."

If you jump right into "That's not nice" or "Don't say that," the child won't feel like the problem at hand is valued and likely won't be able to listen.

Ali replies, "He took the marker I wanted to use."

Now you have identified the problem.

"Oh! I see the problem. You want to use the same marker Jake is using."

Step 2. Ask one simple question.

(And we've learned that this question is kind of magic.)

"Do you think that you saying 'I hate you' makes the problem bigger ... or smaller?"

Bigger?

... or  smaller?

Explain that saying "I hate you" or "You are not my friend" is taking the problem (hold your hands close together) and making it bigger (spread your hands apart).

This question uses very simple words and actions to articulate a very sophisticated and essential idea:  Specific language is more constructive than judgment during a conflict.

Step 3. Help the child find new words.

Ask “How do we make the problem smaller?”

First, ask the child to identify what they don't like about the other child's behavior and encourage a specific statement. For example, "She always does that!" makes the problem bigger, while, "She just took the marker I wanted," makes the problem smaller.

Second, help the child find better words about how they feel. Some things you can practice saying:

• "I am angry!"
• "I am frustrated!"
• "I am annoyed!"
• "I don't feel safe!"
• "I don't like that!"
• "I am not having fun!"

      and one that is so obvious, many might forget to teach it:

• "STOP THAT!"

Now, obviously, this does not solve the problem immediately, but it is the first step in making the problem ... smaller.

(Not bigger)

Once the child can articulate how they feel, they can then start to connect how they feel with the other child's action, such as, "I feel frustrated when the color marker I want is not available" or "I am angry that she grabbed the marker away from me."

This takes you a few steps further towards making the problem ... disappear

On Love and Marriage

Sometimes we hear the opposite of words like “hate” in school and children talk about girlfriends, boyfriends, or getting married.  Four and five-year-olds are constantly working to develop the appropriate language and behavior to match the emotions they feel at the moment.  

How do we respond to these comments?  

• School is not a place to talk about boyfriends and girlfriends.
• You can say "I love my friend Ali," or "Jake is my good friend."

• Four and five-year-olds do not get married, in fact, no children get married!
• When you are four and five you have not met all the people you are going to meet! You have only met a few of them, so there is no way to know who you will marry.
• You can hope that you will get married one day.
• You can pretend to get married, as long as the other person agrees to play.

• School is not a place for kissing (Unless you are saying goodbye to a family member who is not in your class.)
• Hugs are GREAT. Remember to ask a friend if they want one before giving a hug.

Finally...

Don't be afraid to tackle the big topics. In fact, none of this makes sense without them. Remember how four and five-year-olds see the world divided into good guys and bad guys? Remind them that this is not how God made us. We are all children of God, even people who do unkind things or those who make us angry. That is why we must pray for our enemies, even love them! The children wrestle with these issues every day, but they are ready to do so. They really, really are. It is never too early to engage in these big issues, as long as we help guide them and frame them well.

And always feel free to remind them (perhaps in song)...

Goodness is stronger than evil!

Love is stronger than hate!

Light is stronger than darkness!

Life is stronger than death!